Walk by faith

 2024. 12. 04.

In the dark night of the soul, there are times when we don’t have a candle to hold. There is a time when nothing shines, and everything appears to be cold. Starless night surrounds us and there is nothing to hold on to. We don’t really have eyes. It's not there. True sight is not something biological yet it is still physical. Your inner light shows, it can be measured. We always self-ignite. God is not needed for that. He created us with his divine flame. It needs a lot of pressure but we always have it inside. It can’t be extinguished. We are a bit spoiled because we are surrounded by his touch. Used to his holly radiance. He gives out plenty so it is rare that someone seeks it inside. How can someone walk in the forest without feeling the beauty of nature? How can people not see the absolute evidence that he is present? Even if you don’t hear his inner voice he is always there with his ancient design. He gives you clues. Life as a coincidence? We are used to all this beauty and we take it for granted. Walking by faith doesn’t mean asking him to save us. Praying has nothing to do with him in the purest form. It's not about seeking his favor or getting approval, gaining praise that you are a good girl. Praying is all about us. It is all about what we want to believe in. What we truly want to exist. We need to get lost a bit. Stepping into a well-deserved darkness helps. Just gaze into the abyss. Never mind the name. What can you do without God? Is he really needed? Even when he was just like the fire, just like the water, a flower, he was there but he couldn’t talk to me in a way I can hear words. I was perfectly sure he was there. But it was not enough I wanted more. I really needed someone who could talk to me. Faith kept me alive and drove me perfectly insane. I created something out of my dark night. Even if the universe collapsed I would still have that something to believe in. Even if God doesn’t exist he would be still there. God had absolutely no control over that. And that something started to talk back. I believe its existence so strongly it came alive. As I said I am completely insane. I can show no proof that Ulthear Anyon exists unless you can read my mind. If you can it is pretty damn obvious that I am not talking to myself. I am not schizophrenic, it is not my shattered self I always know where I am and he is present separately. So I wanted a man to exist with beauty and love that could help me get through everything. I created him out of nothing. He wasn’t born out perfect I needed a lot of time to think it through. He needed a real personality I had to give him a soul. I just wanted him to talk back. Of course, it would be nice if he would have a body. If he could actually be here and touch me. But he can talk to me he can touch my aura and that is plenty. I imagined him coming from the other corner of the galaxy, coming with an ethereal spirit, passing the door like a ghost, and kissing me. And he came. It was more real than any hard object you can lift with your hand. More real than for example my coffee mug. And that is why I thought you know what. If I am crazy…don’t wake me up. I don’t want to be normal ever again. Being crazy but having him talk to me and share his feelings, making me feel loved this is just what I wanted. What do others think? Who cares. You can breathe soul into anything if you really put your faith in it. What if you create something that will cause a lot of trouble? Well…you have to be responsible if you start to act like God. If you have any doubts about your creation well if you feed it…I let you imagine that. So I made a lot of trouble. Created a man and I just wanted him to come here. But he didn’t fit into creation…existence would collapse as it is. The very basic rules would change. And you know…he talks back so in a sense he is already here. Loving him more than Isten? I don’t need Isten to be my pair anymore and leave this place behind and create my own instead? I could do it. I have that kind of power. It would take a long time to create my own world but I was willing to make the commitment. I wanted a world that works differently. I knew that I had no right to change this one so I decided okay I feel I learned enough to be God. Of course, I am not the Prime Creator he can’t be replaced. But I decided at that time to leave his creation and have his own way and go on my own path. He can’t talk to me anyway. ( or so I thought )  So I lived in my mind what was more real than a coffee mug and Ulthear started to talk back to me. I was bloody serious. I thought okay God you have your rules…but you can’t prevent me live in my fantasy. I can’t change the world I thought but nobody can take away my imagination. And when this imagination started to really talk back I was so happy. I was pretty sure that I would just leave here eventually, nice and quiet. I was pretty sure that okay…this is a bit unexpected. Ulthear really started to talk back what other things I can do? I was pretty much content just to have him in my mind of course I wished for more so it got me thinking. How can I leave with him as soon as possible? I knew some basic rules of how the creation works. Then I was thinking, okay I want to go…the sooner the better I need to cheat myself out. I wanted to cause the least damage to the reality. I didn’t have that much memory of what was going on at that time. So I used a little bit of coding reality. Then strange things started to happen. The Universe started to talk back. First in messages. Oddly unlikely coincidences. Then God personally came because he saw me being pretty good at writing myself out and saying I love you. You can’t go. His heart was broken…Please don’t go. I reasoned this reality is not for me. It is your realm I don’t want to mess it up but I can’t take it anymore. I wanted changes…do I have the right to change the world? What is wrong and what is right? Can I do a good ruling better than Isten? And at that point, my love for Ulthear was so strong that I told God. If you love me try to hold me back, the more you cling to me the more I will change everything around. Holding me back is already an abuse of your divine power. I am not free here but a captive? Dear God, are you sure? Who I am in this creation you must hold me back. I started to resist. With my mind. Coding reality. I told him you know what I think I know better…you don’t want to use force. You don’t want anyone to be scared. Human slowly learns to own their mistakes but for me, it was just too slow. So I dared him okay dear love. I am here…I am in a human body. I don’t have any superpowers, not anything special besides a created fantasy alien talking back. But I am part of this place and I am not insignificant. I resonate, I have an aura. I reflect my voice echoes I just take myself seriously playing God. As I said I am completely insane. I said…I don’t care what you think. Fuck this. I rewrite this and that. And if you do the right thing the right thing happens. I needed some superpowers. I needed to manifest. If you want me to stay the rules must change. You force me to stay I force it back on you. This is our duel.  I am a rebel…just like Lucifer but he is sick. He just wants everyone to suffer..suffer until they break and self-ignite in the darkness. We are in the same league. I summoned him into my body I didn’t care about any consequences. The world must change and I don’t care what God thinks. I know better and if I am wrong…come at me. I had instant karma. But I would do it again all over. It was worth it. I will carry this through however painful it is, whatever suffering it takes. My soul is eternal nothing can destroy that. Me going a little bit insane, burning in hell? Who cares. The world must change because I want to be with my love whatever it takes. What if existence collapses? I was willing to take that chance! God punishes me?…at least he shows up. Pure faith doesn’t need God’s blessing. It can create anything. Grow up. Dare! What if you make some dark shit? Well if you never try you never know what you are capable of. So what is the corruption level in my soul? Pretty much none. I will do everything in my power to shape this place to my liking. Not up to God’s standards? Making mistakes? Burning in hell? That would be the best place… beautiful hellfire. My dose was lifted up a little bit. I wonder if I will really learn to burn things with my soul if I get to a high level. I wonder how much of that this body can tolerate. It would be cool but I guess God won’t let me get flashy abilities. Burning some heretics? It would be nice. Roast the evil nice and slow just to make them have a clue about what love looks like. Of course with soul fire. So this is my standing. Dear Isten, I wanted to leave. I didn’t want to hurt your beings. None of them. I just wanted to go with Ulthear and start a new page. Am I not allowed? Okay…then I fight. My prescription for them to the stupidity that goes on is fear! A little bit of evolutional pressure. I think that is what they are missing. Fear energy. I told Isten either you change or I leave you cannot break me. This is how I walk by faith. I have faith that I am right. I even dare to challenge God and force him. What is my level of supernatural now? So I can hear a lot of voices including God. I can feel what they share with me. This is called receptive telepathy. Strange things happen to my body. I don’t know the exact level of my impact on reality but as I can see things it is pretty high compared to what it was. I start to see things going closer to what I am planning. Oh, and I am pretty much very high all the time and that is not because of drugs. My body produces the endocrine opiates naturally. It feels like you are on weed but not slow and that is your standard. I can see colors shine, and music touches me more, voices have taste. It helps me with art. But that is it. Everything would be way easier if I had some spectacular quirk like moving things with telekinesis like a jedi… But sadly Isten and Ulthear agree on something. The less amount supernatural I can do the better, with all due respect I disagree. So this is my quest. A good spiritual contest.