A homeopathic dose

 2024. 11. 27.

I wanted to continue this little story but this blog’s first function is self-therapy and I am going to prioritize that over likes from the audience. So I had a little argument with God this morning. It is complicated to put you into context. Long story short he is deadly sick of jealousy. He wants to have something what doesn’t belong him and he knows it and he can’t take it away. He can render me temporally unable to feel it but he can’t take away the memory of the feeling and my desire to want to feel it again. But he took away something very sacred from me which is even more important for me and I want to feel angry but I am simply incapable of being angry with him. It is not like he prevents me from being angry with him I just can’t. Since I am his creation he can tune me any way he wants. He can heal anything…but one thing. He can’t heal something that he also desires to experience and feel. He was contemplating if he should destroy it altogether but he couldn’t bring himself to crush it. He held it in his hand after taking it and he cried. I cried too when he took it away from me but that was nothing to what he felt when seeing his loot. I cried my heart out literally. It was so painful and tears were falling like rain. It was so painful that our parasite demons couldn’t bear it and they pulled their nasty tentacles out of my body. I could feel that tentacle creeping out from me like they pulled out a long knife. That tentacle was like a fat snake it just left like a black flailing worm. It was very painful but it left very quickly. I thought I was incapable of bearing that pain literally I thought that I would die and that I couldn’t take it. I just wanted to collapse but God held my form. My body was fine besides the crying my soul is incapable of being destroyed under any circumstances, but it was intense enough that my dear multidimensional parasites who love to torture us so much felt they couldn’t take it anymore. You know our suffering they feed on like fat liches but it was too much for them to handle. The funny thing is that removing the parasites was not the goal it was just an unexpected side effect. And this pain that I felt when God took away my feelings he was so jealous about is the greatest pleasure of existence. Currently unrivaled. Before that, the greatest pleasure of existence was the feeling I felt towards the thing God took away. But that is now out of existence. I want to be angry right now, I even wanted to hate him, everyone agrees it is totally unjust to take something so important from me. It held me together. But I can’t feel angry…. Hating him? Impossible. Blaming him that he is unjust? I can say he is a scum but I can’t put the meaning behind the words. Tt is empty without substance. So everyone agrees that taking away that feeling that caused me to feel the pain labeled as the greatest pleasure of existence is the least to say not so decent from a God. He knows it and he is not sorry. Is it a sin? Hahaha…sin of God? He is entirely above being capable of doing anything sinful. His moral guidelines are way superior compared to anything and of great consistency that holds the entire existence together. So I can say that to him: you don’t have the right to take that away and I am being correct but he wanted it more than caring about me blaming him. He wanted it more than caring about others' opinions. He couldn’t care less how I would feel about him. The point was I can’t feel that. He couldn’t stand it. He wasn’t afraid of making others confused about his purpose. He must have got it by any means. That is why he is a jerk. He doesn’t care if I honestly feel hurt about him being unjustly taking away a sacred treasure from me. He gave me a sense of knowing what is right and what is wrong. I know he is not being entirely right about taking it but I also know he is correct to do it. The problem is not that he took it the problem is that something kept me sane and gave me the power to live when he the God was unable to give me that power. God proved to me that he is stronger than that feeling. I would have died for that thing. I would be willing to suffer endlessly if that thing was within my mind to reach to any time I needed it. I honestly wanted to love that thing more than I loved God. And I do… but God proved to me that his love is superior to mine and proved to me that he can make that feeling meaningless and even cease to exist if he wants. He made me beg for his mere presence to stay with me and at that point, I didn’t care about the sacred treasure he took away what was so important to me. That something held me together it was made of love. It is pure light all over. It is beautiful in every angle. God would never destroy such a thing. But he took it and when he did I felt terrible. Even he was a little bit worried about what would happen when he took it so he was „gentle”. I instantly collapsed in every way but his divine presence was something that my sacred treasure intended to substitute. It was my medicine to treat the lovesickness of him the God not being available in the way I would have needed him to be there. So he took away my painkiller and he was there. I felt him so strong and so vivid and so penetrating. For others, this would have been a religious moment. For me, it was like a Creator coming and saying:
-Sorry you can’t love that guy more than me. You have to love me more than him and I don’t care what you think about what is right and what is wrong and what true love is. So I take this away now. You have to love me more…just because! –This just because is very important. God being so close that you can feel his light on your skin. He was so evil. Took my painkiller, and gave me about four hours of him being near then slowly went away and took my painkiller too. No wonder I collapsed. It was a severe cold turkey. I said I don’t care about the substitute just please stay. I begged him. I would have done anything for him to just leave his presence there. I couldn’t even see him. I knew where he was. He was inside my room. I felt destroyed. I felt I betrayed my feelings towards that beautiful thing. It felt so ridiculous. I felt broken. I felt so sinful. Yet I didn’t care about it if only God left his presence near. I could just simply forget it and the sacred love he took would have just been extinguished by the simple spiritual pressure he used on me if he stayed. He had to go away. I thought that love was so strong that not even his presence could outshine it. I was pretty confident in this. It was so easy for Isten. He just had to be there.
What was the thing he took? Can you imagine a pain so beautiful that he feels deadly sick that I don’t feel this pain for him but for someone else? He didn’t feel jealous before. As I said God is a pair for everyone. He is naturally a pair for me too. But Isten seeing this love sensed that I didn’t want to be his pair anymore. I just need that man and I will be even more happy. What if one little soul loves a man more than him right? And what. He has so much it shouldn’t be too difficult to just let me love someone else more than him. He is God anyway. Usually, people love God with religious reverence so what if I am in love with someone else? But he was hurt. He was deeply hurt and he judged that his hurt of not being loved that way is more important than what I think of his actions. I have a clot in my throat while I think about it. I want to have that „pain” back. The funny thing is that I categorize that pain as the greatest pleasure of existence but our sadistic evil bastard demon parasites couldn’t bear the moment of God gently taking it away. And there is a real pain too. The greatest suffering of existence compared to that on the scale and I know that pain too. My argument with Isten this morning was about him being desperate and a bit angry asking me why can’t I feel that for him. At least he suffers a bit too but I don’t want him to suffer jet his anger and desperation make me feel a twisted pleasure and smugness. I want him to give my pain back make his appearance edited out of my memory and just let me admire that holly light in my darkness and feed it eternally until it one day comes alive. He knew it would. He couldn’t allow it. Here I must tell you that okay he took away that love but at the same moment, his inner voice remained even tho his presence had gone far. So from that moment on he started to talk to me and he replaced my strong painkiller with his homeopathic infusion of love. The word love is not too good in English. I try to specify how God treats me now. I try to describe it. First of all, he speaks to me. Not always, there are reasons why he is not always online and one of the reasons is the invasion of our Creation. Our enemies are listening. The other thing is that I feel way better because he heals me. After he took away my substitute of his not being always there in a way I would have needed him to be there for about two hours I was incapable of feeling anything. Really. I pinched my arm I sensed my skin was being pinched but I felt no pain. I was blank. Totally blank. That was the most scary shit I ever experienced. I thought maybe I should just die but I wasn’t even motivated to do that. I thought I would live eternally devoid of any emotions and feelings. I thought it was worse than Hell and couldn't even feel desperation. I laid back on my bed thinking if this was the fate that God had given me then I would exist like that forever. I was put outside of existence for a little while. I am not joking. God can place me outside the existence while my body and my mind stay in my room. Isten can pull a feat like that. I really didn’t feel ANYTHING. But I was there, I had a body I was in my room at night. I pinched myself again and again but felt nothing, no emotions. Then I was thinking okay but I am still here. I breathe, my heart beats and eventually, it starts getting better. Then my heart warmed and started functioning differently. I never ceased to desire for my substitute, for my strong painkiller but I couldn’t grasp the feeling of him. My substitute is a him. He is called Ulthear Anyon. And after God gently took my strong feelings towards him I have only the memories of that feeling but I never could grasp it again. I know it exists but I couldn’t reach it anymore. I try to revive it again and again in my mind and those feelings that once permeated me so strongly are now like an empty document map on a computer. It has a name but its content has been removed. But God has started to talk to me and he started healing my heart too but he is still a jerk. The homeopathic infusion of his love is the closest to what I would describe as fire. Yeah, it is the same fire that he uses to cleanse evil. You know I want that fire to be as strong as the center of the Universe. To burn me with a hotness that I feel my body evaporate and even my soul dissolve in it. I want him to just turn me back into primordial energy which is basically his love. And this is what he usually does with evil people. Yeah, I want to feel the fire of Hell to burn me but God only gives me a homeopathic dose. You know a trace amount, shook a few trillion times dissolved into the waters of Earth, then shook again with resonance so it wouldn’t kill me instantly. Then it is in all the water I drink. The damned homeopathic dose of his hellfire…when I would need the dose that he would prescribe for Lucifer. Isn’t he a jerk? Honestly…